My Brandon is AMAZING

As we head into Summer we are preparing for one of our major house projects. I realized over the past 5 years Brandon has done so much for the backyard that I have not shared. Mostly out of his humility. But forget that today, this is his "My Hubs is AMAZING" post .

So I have before and after pictures of the different projects we conquered. Yes I used that word specifically because it has a 'q' in it. We were playing the ABC game on the way home and were stuck on 'q' for 20 min. Until I cheated and let us move on.

1st up, pool and rocks.

I was pregnant with Michael, and I hated that pool. It was broken, I saw my dogs jumping in it, destroying what was left of it, or what we fixed and drowning because they couldn't get out. This is a pain of a project.

First we had to get rid of the rocks. There are layers upon layers of rocks here. My mom, sister and her whole family came over for maybe the entire summer to pick up rocks? If it wasn't the entire summer it felt like it. We picked up stones and moved them, then happily all the rocks were transported to my Grandma's house who needed some landscaping. Her yard looks amazing.

Next, get rid of the pool. This is no ordinary above ground pool. They dug into the ground a good 5 feet, I never got a picture of the original hole, but all that dirt, plus more filled that hole. This took us months to do. Literally we decided to be smart and started in the fall. There are benefits of having a civil engineer for a husband. He calculated how much dirt we needed and how it would be compacted. This is what he does at work. So we ordered it, they delivered and we were set to go. Now as you can see that whole is HUGE, it also was like 4 feet deep. It was massive.

Now this is where my Husband is Amazing statement comes in. He wants to do all the work himself. Yes I help, yes we bought a great wheelbarrow. Now my sister and her family was all at school and work, so after work and on weekends he slowly filled up this hole, then to compact it he sprayed water on it. Layer by layer it went down. I admit I was not the most patient wife at this point, but his persistence is astonishing, and what he can accomplish is mind blowing, as you'll see in the next two phases.










OK so now, we have a flat ground.



Now what to do with it. OK I used my super focus and decided we needed a play structure. Not only any play structure but a large one, because this is a large area. So I chose a good priced, used, way out of town play set that we needed to take apart. Now Brandon did have help planned for this adventure, but that help got hurt that morning and we couldn't find extra. Luckily the owners of the play set were oh so nice and helped Brandon take it apart, but I could tell he could use some extra help. Happily there are people always ready to help at any time. I called up the Bishop of the area, we went to lunch, and got hold of the missionaries for the area. They agreed to come out and help take the set to the car. Mind you I couldn't help as not only our help got injured, but also my babysitter had something come up that day too! So I was trying to entertain the kids for hours in a stranger's home, who happened to home school and shared so many tips with me as I was getting ready to start Daniel the next year in KT.

The play set sat for 6 months - 1 year on the side of our house. Probably because Brandon hated the sight of the thing, and knew what a pain it would be to put it up. But as it was easier for him to  put it up by himself using physics and engineering than waiting for friends to come over, he used my assistance and put this beast back together. Over a few weeks.


So the play set is done right? No. While you see happy grass and dirt what is hiding are burrs. Tiny little pokey balls that stab your feet where ever you walk. We had to hoe all the ground- Mom did that for us, then literally BURN every pile of weed that existed. Because if we did not burn it the burrs would open back up and spread again. Once we did that we put down a weed barrier and finished it off with putting about 2500 lbs of rubber wood chips down under the play set. Brandon carried each bag of 40 lbs to the back yard, and I got to lay them all around. If you notice in the picture there are two things missing... the palm trees. Ya.

The palm trees. These were annoying, had prickly palms and dropped a ton of fruit. Brandon pulled the first one out without too much trouble. It only took him a few weeks to get it out. But one closest to the house? We got that our just recently. Not only did it cost a shovel, broken pipes, but we couldn't do the 'clever' thing and hook a car up to it because of our back yard. So what did Brandon do? If you guesses Physics and engineering. You are correct. He got ready by digging and hacking (which was no small feat- and where I helped a lot), then he took tow straps and strapped up to the tree. I wish I got a video of this. It was amazing to watch. He literally tore a palm tree out of the ground, Root ball and all. I dont know many men who have tried and succeeded with that.

So here is one section, a very large section of our backyard, something we started 5 years ago and just finished this past month. It has been a great labor of love and a pain in the behind. But my Husband is Amazing. And I am sure that when you look back over the last 5 years you will see that your husband is amazing too.

Asking Brandon he said getting the play set was by far the hardest project, because of how hot it was (I think it was over 100F the day we picked it up and it took hours).

  The rest was about the same in difficulty.

Prom 2004 with Principal

One leap forward and two leaps back

My new lithograph by Picasso- to me it depicts joy of sharing and helping others. 

This last week to two weeks have been rough. I was flying high and beyond fantastic, feeling I could take on the world and everything in it.

• Home school, check. 
• Garden, check. 
• Bike rides with kids, check
• Make dinner for family, check
• Keep house clean, check
• Do projects around the house, check
• Be present with my kids, check check check
• Focus on husband's needs now the attention is off me, check. 

Everything I have been dreaming I could be as a mom I was able to be. Life was fantastic.

But then one day, it was hard to wake up. I had to force myself to make my bed. At 9 I had to remind myself to get the kids started on chores- poop scoop and water the garden, then school work. While I made them breakfast (a smoothie- nothing fancy 99% of the time). 

Then I had to sit with them, it was hard to continue to be around them. They didn't fight, they were being good, I just got bored easily. Michael was either playing beyblades or watching TV. Getting out to drive for lunch I was very anxious to do. We even left a little early- which means we ate a little early, and I gave them time to play outside before nap time. Not out front, just out back. Give me some more breathing time. Then I put them all down for a nap, yes even Daniel, my 8 year old. During that time I would sleep, be on the computer or work on one of my many projects or house chores. Chores still were a struggle to do, but I could do them. 

The day continued on like this, everything felt like a struggle whereas the previous week the days were a joy. Since having children I have never had a day feel like a joy. I have been excited for an event, or for a present, but not just to wake up and live an everyday day. That is the closest to feeling that way. 

That week ended and I was hopeful for a better week this week. But no, my OCD really kicked in and I felt like I did a year ago. I even found out new compulsions I had, and why I have a hard time playing video games like Animal Crossing- it drives my OCD up the wall, I can watch my husband play but not my kids, and I cannot. haha. 

The last few days I have been receiving help from family, friends, and therapists. I am very lucky I have such an amazing support group. Not many people do. I can utilize this time to be creative and write poetry and children stories. I can find ways to be productive in my life and not just a shell of a person, while I wait for that happy time to come back into my life. 

My OCD is very much ingrained into who I am. I do not know how to separate it from me. Do I in my head because of OCD or because some people count repetitive things? To me I thought everyone counted their steps when they ran... now being in Marching Band I don't think helped that at all, but I do what I can to work with who I am and become my best self possible. 

Emma is 6!

My Kindergartner is learning how to rhyme and read. Head shoulders knees and toes, Wheels on the bus, ABC songs are all common in my house. She likes to try to find rhyming words independent of songs. This poem is for her.



Mommy do you want to play a game?
I’ll say a word
Then tell me a word that sounds the same

House
-Mouse

Tall
-Ball

Pool
- tool

Dog
-frog

Mice
-RATS!

Mommy that is not a rhyme,
it must be right all the time.
Try again- Begin

House
-blouse

Tall
-Wall

Pool
-rule

dog
-log

Mice
-Rice

Cats
-rats

Yeah you did it!
I knew you’d never quit.
I’m so proud of you
I really love all you do.

Miracles

These past two months for me have been miracles, and I do not say that lightly. I have struggled so much with my mental health over the past 7 years. Then as if something just clicked, I don't know if it was my new therapist, my hormones decided to start working again, or what but my body started reacting positively to the medication that I have been taking for the last 3 years.

This is where I was in March, I was not ready to post this to everyone. But I find it amazing the difference 2 months has made. 

"As I work on what my therapist wants me to do, and I work on what I want to do. This week has been a hard week for me, emotionally. I have been able to keep up what my therapist has set up as homework. But I have been struggling with my daily Lent goal of giving up excess sleeping. 
When I feel like this I start to run in circles, trying to find a place where I can find some movement. Where I feel like I can say I am progressing. I start running through the same old tracks. 
Education- Job- House-
dog-
kids-
I go through familiar websites, familiar blogs, sometimes I find a new angle to something and I am able to try to maybe move an inch or two in a new direction, which then turns all my attention to that one track. But I am still stuck in the middle of the road, with paths that all leading back to the beginning. Until I figure out how to get lifted out of here. 

So this poem is me, me when I am frustrated, me looking for the end of my trials. 

I'm Stuck

Stuck in a rut with nowhere to go Stuck in a hole that drives me below Stuck, stuck, stuck I can’t get out
All I want is to say 1...2…3… and 4 All I want is to the chance to do a little bit more For my body to have the chance to change and win To grow to move and not suffocate within
I feel my breath choke me inside I feel my stomach squeeze me tight I see a glimmer and I run for the light Tripping and falling till I find the end in sight
The end is a hole at the top of a mine shaft With rocks so huge I leap over and try to handcraft And engineer a way up till my body is tired and sinks I cry and cry for all I want is this trial to end in a blink.
The light dims and I look up from my spot I see a hand and a rope straight and taught I grab hold of the rope and slowly start to climb Past the boulders, past where I had fallen, up out of the mine
I am out of the hole, I can finally breathe,I collapse on the floor and say “who made me free”I want to turn and thank my friend for the rope but instead of one friend I see a legion who always held hope
Hope I would come out,Hope I would be free Hope I would make it Hope I would get to be me."

All of a sudden I woke up out of a fog. I wanted to get out of bed before 10 or 11.  I set a goal to be out of bed around 9, there were days I was happy to be out of bed at 5:30 (then my kids woke up with me so I stopped that). I wake up refreshed, ready for a new day.

I am excited to teach my children at home. I can handle this idea of crisis teaching, and my children are thriving. I know they are thriving because I am thriving.

This is nothing less than a miracle. Now this does not mean I do not have my downs.

With hormones coming back into my life I get the normal cycle which includes a depression cycle, but unlike before this one goes away.

Then the past few days my OCD has been off the charts. But even during that time I have been able to make small gains, make my bed, go to the store, rotate laundry, start the dishwasher. Things that before were impossible for me I can now do with a simple reminder.

I know this is not an easy time for many people, but for me it has been a blessing. I just hope and pray that everyone gets their blessing and miracle when they need it most too.

Revisiting old work

During this time I am doing so many things. I have been so blessed that my mental health has been getting better and better. I have been working with the kids, and frankly forgot I had a blog I needed to maintain! Sorry!

But I received a comment today about one of my poems and it inspired me to take a look at that poem again. "Out for a Walk". I want to have a chance to review that poem and see where it can go. My life has been transforming, and I would love to see my poems transform along with me.

LENT : Fasting and Consecration

Lent is here. No I am not catholic, but my in-laws are. During my mission I started participating in Lent, as a way to prepare for the Easter season. My mission president was so kind and helped explain the difference between fasting, and consecrating. It is a lesson that to this day I will never forget, and I am starting to see the Catholics realize themselves.

Law of the Fast
- For those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we do this once a month. Or we do it on special occasions when we are pleading our case to Heavenly Father, it is a time of prayer and meditation. It is a great and a holy time. To me, and I can be wrong, and if I am please go ahead and inform me, fasting gives us a chance to repent. It is not repenting, but as we place physical animals on the alter to be sacrificed in our stead, we put tangible things; food, water, or chocolate, and alcohol or Catholics, aside for a certain time.This year for Lent Catholics are being encouraged to give something up each day for 40 days, and donate it at the end of Lent to a charity or homeless shelter. When we fast we abstain from those things. We have a chance to be reminded of what the purpose of our fasting through physical reminders; stomach pains, thirst, cravings. But we continue on to as a show of faith to God that He is more important than physical needs. Fasting builds great faith.

But, there is a higher law, just as the Law of Moses has a higher law, and the Priesthood of Aaron has a higher Priesthood, so does this law of fasting, it is called the law of consecration.

The law of consecration 
- In short is the giving of all of your time, talents, and energy to the building of the kingdom of God. This is Christ asking us to put not an animal upon the alter, but our hearts upon the alter to change who we are and come unto him. Time, talents, and energy, so what does that look like on a daily basis. The Pope said, " We live in an atmosphere polluted by too much verbal violence, too many offensive and harmful words, which are amplified by the internet... today, people insult each other as if they were saying good day". He is not asking you to sacrifice something, you will not feel physical pains by not insulting someone, instead you will have the opportunity to come closer to God and feel more of his love in your life and for your brothers and sisters. When we consecrate ourselves, our time, our energy we change from hearts that are stony to  to hearts made from flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26)

So what am I doing this Lent? Well my therapist kinda laid it out for me. It's time to bring Ashley back. I have let depression have it's day, so I am sacrificing all my extra sleep (sometimes I get like 12 hours) to go towards walking and yoga and my version of a juice cleanse, and I am refocusing my desire to understand God's will for me through scriptures, prayer, and meditation. I don't mean for this to take 2 hours, but 30 min. Start small. Somewhere I can keep it up, God loves you, and what you can offer is what he wants you to do.


So, the yoga I am going to do?
-I'm starting at the beginning because of how badly I hurt my back a few months ago. I am at the beginning, always a beginner. So you can follow along, with me.

What cleanse? Will it be ultra hard?
- No. Here is my rules

- no sugar, alcohol sugars and natural sugars are OK (don't ask why I honestly don't know)
- eat what you would like at dinner time, but small amounts
- have all the DIET drink you would like
- drink 1 cleansing Tea per day
-

Progress

So having my book turned down hit me really hard. Mentally I was really vulnerable, and physically I pushed myself beyond my limits. My backbending? Ya- totally hurt my back. I am still not fully recovered from it that is what 2 months later? It is doing much better now.

After LA I turned my sight to finding a job. I still write some poems, but not as frequently, and I looked to new areas for fulfillment. I have applied for all of the jobs I am qualified for and daily look for more. I daily look at the place I volunteer at, B-GLAD, to see if they are finally hiring in Bakersfield again. I think I have applied to 2 or 3 of their positions.

As weeks rolled by it started to get closer to ASL Junction's Christmas Event. If anyone knows Lisa Hampton you know this is her favorite event of the year. We baked 300 individual gingerbread men, cut strings for them, and had all little accessories to put on them, ready at the Library to go along with their Gingerbread house event. To make it even better we had a Deaf Santa. A member of our community volunteered to be Santa for the day, and I almost cried when the deaf kids could have a small chat with Santa about what they wanted for Christmas, and it warmed my heart as Santa taught the hearing kids how to sign their toy of choice.

The event was a success we had somewhere between 300-500 people come and make gingerbread men, and even heard a grateful word or two. Our gifts... they may need some work. But its a work in progress, maybe next year they get candy canes.

After that event was over I had to hurry to finish all the planning for B-GLAD's Christmas event. I think I got over worked on that one, and my kids started coughing that morning, so we couldn't actually go and enjoy the party. But it was nice to see Roy a little less stressed as it got closer to the party. There were a lot of happy people who came to the event, and they all loved their Santa gifts- we get gifts from toys-for-tots for them.

I can't even get into Christmas and the craziness that caused, our week vacation in Utah with almost the whole family and snow, and then everyone ending up with bronchitis and ear infections. It's winter break holiday typical stuff. The kids missed almost the entire first week of school back.

During December I had a few interviews. One I was very excited about. The Museum of Art (MoA) was looking for a new Marketing person. I roughly fit what they were looking for and put in my application. I got a email asking for an interview the next day. I came, we had a nice chat and then I didn't hear from them till like last week. Christmas break did not help with communication. I did not  get the job, but during the interview she asked what is something I would like to see happen at MoA, I told her I would like to see a Deaf Art Exhibit.

I had a feeling I was not going to get the job, so I started emailing people about this idea. I found some artists I would like to include in this art exhibit, and started to try to find where  I could hold it at. I was connected with the Arts Council of Kern, and they proved very useful, and actually offered their space for the exhibit in 2021! I was thinking 2022, so this was huge!

Then the other day I had decided to try my hand at finding an illustrator for my art work myself. I went to my kids yoga teacher page and asked if anyone was an illustrator and would be interested in illustrating my book. I immediately got a reply. We started checking out each other, doing some research, I sent her my story, I saw some of her artwork, and we just clicked. This book is going to happen.

So tonight what did I do? After months of procrastinating,  and fear of getting on my mat. I stepped on my mat and did what I have known all along what will fix my back, and move me onto where I want to be- the phase of me.