Inspiration

As I learn more about becoming a writer, and trying to get my work published I am learning about the do's and don'ts of blogging. There is so much for me to learn, and I am eager to just let everything come out for everyone to see. 

I am working on a few new poems, and it is amazing where the inspiration comes from. I honestly have been inspired by my Grandmother Barbara a lot. She always has been a writer, and while I never fully appreciated it growing up I can appreciate it now. Honestly she should work for ESPN. She would be one of their best writers. 

Today's poem took from a game that we used to play on car rides home. "We are going on a trip" now as I let that poem sit and simmer with me. As I continue to work out who I am as a writer I will keep you informed. But here's a stanza from the new poem. 

"Come on children it's time to go

On a journey for us to grow

All circled up together

Ready to act and mimic each other. "

Edits- Little Yogi

It is always interesting to see how my poems progress over time. You usually see my very first edition of my poems before I start really working on them. Sometimes they sit for a day, and other they sit for months. This one, that I wrote back in September of 2019 titled "Little Yogi" has been one I have been holding off to do. Mostly because I do not feel qualified to edit this piece.

Here is the original, and here is the newest edits. This will go through many more months of edits before I send it to other authors for their critiques and finally someone to publish it. But I just really wanted to share it with you.

A mountain is never changing ever strong and tall

I stand and imagine myself growing taller than my wall

Then I move to be a triangle, one that I create

Naturally born from mother earth upon this I meditate

I jump to be all the Warriors one, two and three. 

I am able to conquer all hard things that come to me. 

As a playful dog I come to lift my hips up high

Relax my head and awaken my soul once again to try...

I become a downward tree by coming up to a handstand. 

Now I feel invincible upon all the land.  

Next balance like a boat on the water, legs in the air

Don’t overturn my little boat keep afloat stay up there.

Sit up straight, legs stretched out my toes to see

Take big breaths in and out free to breathe free to be. 

I bend my knees and bind my feet the outsides touch the ground

As a butterfly lives its life without making a sound.

Upside down again I go, this time a candle I become

Trying to calm the flickering flame my legs won’t succumb

Lastly I lie down thinking upon every single pose

Remembering as I breathe softly through my nose. 

Now I step off my mat different than before 

my practice changed me from when I touched this floor

I hope you enjoy my poetry and if you know of places I can send submissions let me know, I would love a leg up in the publishing world.

My Brandon is AMAZING

As we head into Summer we are preparing for one of our major house projects. I realized over the past 5 years Brandon has done so much for the backyard that I have not shared. Mostly out of his humility. But forget that today, this is his "My Hubs is AMAZING" post .

So I have before and after pictures of the different projects we conquered. Yes I used that word specifically because it has a 'q' in it. We were playing the ABC game on the way home and were stuck on 'q' for 20 min. Until I cheated and let us move on.

1st up, pool and rocks.

I was pregnant with Michael, and I hated that pool. It was broken, I saw my dogs jumping in it, destroying what was left of it, or what we fixed and drowning because they couldn't get out. This is a pain of a project.

First we had to get rid of the rocks. There are layers upon layers of rocks here. My mom, sister and her whole family came over for maybe the entire summer to pick up rocks? If it wasn't the entire summer it felt like it. We picked up stones and moved them, then happily all the rocks were transported to my Grandma's house who needed some landscaping. Her yard looks amazing.

Next, get rid of the pool. This is no ordinary above ground pool. They dug into the ground a good 5 feet, I never got a picture of the original hole, but all that dirt, plus more filled that hole. This took us months to do. Literally we decided to be smart and started in the fall. There are benefits of having a civil engineer for a husband. He calculated how much dirt we needed and how it would be compacted. This is what he does at work. So we ordered it, they delivered and we were set to go. Now as you can see that whole is HUGE, it also was like 4 feet deep. It was massive.

Now this is where my Husband is Amazing statement comes in. He wants to do all the work himself. Yes I help, yes we bought a great wheelbarrow. Now my sister and her family was all at school and work, so after work and on weekends he slowly filled up this hole, then to compact it he sprayed water on it. Layer by layer it went down. I admit I was not the most patient wife at this point, but his persistence is astonishing, and what he can accomplish is mind blowing, as you'll see in the next two phases.










OK so now, we have a flat ground.



Now what to do with it. OK I used my super focus and decided we needed a play structure. Not only any play structure but a large one, because this is a large area. So I chose a good priced, used, way out of town play set that we needed to take apart. Now Brandon did have help planned for this adventure, but that help got hurt that morning and we couldn't find extra. Luckily the owners of the play set were oh so nice and helped Brandon take it apart, but I could tell he could use some extra help. Happily there are people always ready to help at any time. I called up the Bishop of the area, we went to lunch, and got hold of the missionaries for the area. They agreed to come out and help take the set to the car. Mind you I couldn't help as not only our help got injured, but also my babysitter had something come up that day too! So I was trying to entertain the kids for hours in a stranger's home, who happened to home school and shared so many tips with me as I was getting ready to start Daniel the next year in KT.

The play set sat for 6 months - 1 year on the side of our house. Probably because Brandon hated the sight of the thing, and knew what a pain it would be to put it up. But as it was easier for him to  put it up by himself using physics and engineering than waiting for friends to come over, he used my assistance and put this beast back together. Over a few weeks.


So the play set is done right? No. While you see happy grass and dirt what is hiding are burrs. Tiny little pokey balls that stab your feet where ever you walk. We had to hoe all the ground- Mom did that for us, then literally BURN every pile of weed that existed. Because if we did not burn it the burrs would open back up and spread again. Once we did that we put down a weed barrier and finished it off with putting about 2500 lbs of rubber wood chips down under the play set. Brandon carried each bag of 40 lbs to the back yard, and I got to lay them all around. If you notice in the picture there are two things missing... the palm trees. Ya.

The palm trees. These were annoying, had prickly palms and dropped a ton of fruit. Brandon pulled the first one out without too much trouble. It only took him a few weeks to get it out. But one closest to the house? We got that our just recently. Not only did it cost a shovel, broken pipes, but we couldn't do the 'clever' thing and hook a car up to it because of our back yard. So what did Brandon do? If you guesses Physics and engineering. You are correct. He got ready by digging and hacking (which was no small feat- and where I helped a lot), then he took tow straps and strapped up to the tree. I wish I got a video of this. It was amazing to watch. He literally tore a palm tree out of the ground, Root ball and all. I dont know many men who have tried and succeeded with that.

So here is one section, a very large section of our backyard, something we started 5 years ago and just finished this past month. It has been a great labor of love and a pain in the behind. But my Husband is Amazing. And I am sure that when you look back over the last 5 years you will see that your husband is amazing too.

Asking Brandon he said getting the play set was by far the hardest project, because of how hot it was (I think it was over 100F the day we picked it up and it took hours).

  The rest was about the same in difficulty.

Prom 2004 with Principal

One leap forward and two leaps back

My new lithograph by Picasso- to me it depicts joy of sharing and helping others. 

This last week to two weeks have been rough. I was flying high and beyond fantastic, feeling I could take on the world and everything in it.

• Home school, check. 
• Garden, check. 
• Bike rides with kids, check
• Make dinner for family, check
• Keep house clean, check
• Do projects around the house, check
• Be present with my kids, check check check
• Focus on husband's needs now the attention is off me, check. 

Everything I have been dreaming I could be as a mom I was able to be. Life was fantastic.

But then one day, it was hard to wake up. I had to force myself to make my bed. At 9 I had to remind myself to get the kids started on chores- poop scoop and water the garden, then school work. While I made them breakfast (a smoothie- nothing fancy 99% of the time). 

Then I had to sit with them, it was hard to continue to be around them. They didn't fight, they were being good, I just got bored easily. Michael was either playing beyblades or watching TV. Getting out to drive for lunch I was very anxious to do. We even left a little early- which means we ate a little early, and I gave them time to play outside before nap time. Not out front, just out back. Give me some more breathing time. Then I put them all down for a nap, yes even Daniel, my 8 year old. During that time I would sleep, be on the computer or work on one of my many projects or house chores. Chores still were a struggle to do, but I could do them. 

The day continued on like this, everything felt like a struggle whereas the previous week the days were a joy. Since having children I have never had a day feel like a joy. I have been excited for an event, or for a present, but not just to wake up and live an everyday day. That is the closest to feeling that way. 

That week ended and I was hopeful for a better week this week. But no, my OCD really kicked in and I felt like I did a year ago. I even found out new compulsions I had, and why I have a hard time playing video games like Animal Crossing- it drives my OCD up the wall, I can watch my husband play but not my kids, and I cannot. haha. 

The last few days I have been receiving help from family, friends, and therapists. I am very lucky I have such an amazing support group. Not many people do. I can utilize this time to be creative and write poetry and children stories. I can find ways to be productive in my life and not just a shell of a person, while I wait for that happy time to come back into my life. 

My OCD is very much ingrained into who I am. I do not know how to separate it from me. Do I in my head because of OCD or because some people count repetitive things? To me I thought everyone counted their steps when they ran... now being in Marching Band I don't think helped that at all, but I do what I can to work with who I am and become my best self possible. 

Emma is 6!

My Kindergartner is learning how to rhyme and read. Head shoulders knees and toes, Wheels on the bus, ABC songs are all common in my house. She likes to try to find rhyming words independent of songs. This poem is for her.



Mommy do you want to play a game?
I’ll say a word
Then tell me a word that sounds the same

House
-Mouse

Tall
-Ball

Pool
- tool

Dog
-frog

Mice
-RATS!

Mommy that is not a rhyme,
it must be right all the time.
Try again- Begin

House
-blouse

Tall
-Wall

Pool
-rule

dog
-log

Mice
-Rice

Cats
-rats

Yeah you did it!
I knew you’d never quit.
I’m so proud of you
I really love all you do.

Miracles

These past two months for me have been miracles, and I do not say that lightly. I have struggled so much with my mental health over the past 7 years. Then as if something just clicked, I don't know if it was my new therapist, my hormones decided to start working again, or what but my body started reacting positively to the medication that I have been taking for the last 3 years.

This is where I was in March, I was not ready to post this to everyone. But I find it amazing the difference 2 months has made. 

"As I work on what my therapist wants me to do, and I work on what I want to do. This week has been a hard week for me, emotionally. I have been able to keep up what my therapist has set up as homework. But I have been struggling with my daily Lent goal of giving up excess sleeping. 
When I feel like this I start to run in circles, trying to find a place where I can find some movement. Where I feel like I can say I am progressing. I start running through the same old tracks. 
Education- Job- House-
dog-
kids-
I go through familiar websites, familiar blogs, sometimes I find a new angle to something and I am able to try to maybe move an inch or two in a new direction, which then turns all my attention to that one track. But I am still stuck in the middle of the road, with paths that all leading back to the beginning. Until I figure out how to get lifted out of here. 

So this poem is me, me when I am frustrated, me looking for the end of my trials. 

I'm Stuck

Stuck in a rut with nowhere to go Stuck in a hole that drives me below Stuck, stuck, stuck I can’t get out
All I want is to say 1...2…3… and 4 All I want is to the chance to do a little bit more For my body to have the chance to change and win To grow to move and not suffocate within
I feel my breath choke me inside I feel my stomach squeeze me tight I see a glimmer and I run for the light Tripping and falling till I find the end in sight
The end is a hole at the top of a mine shaft With rocks so huge I leap over and try to handcraft And engineer a way up till my body is tired and sinks I cry and cry for all I want is this trial to end in a blink.
The light dims and I look up from my spot I see a hand and a rope straight and taught I grab hold of the rope and slowly start to climb Past the boulders, past where I had fallen, up out of the mine
I am out of the hole, I can finally breathe,I collapse on the floor and say “who made me free”I want to turn and thank my friend for the rope but instead of one friend I see a legion who always held hope
Hope I would come out,Hope I would be free Hope I would make it Hope I would get to be me."

All of a sudden I woke up out of a fog. I wanted to get out of bed before 10 or 11.  I set a goal to be out of bed around 9, there were days I was happy to be out of bed at 5:30 (then my kids woke up with me so I stopped that). I wake up refreshed, ready for a new day.

I am excited to teach my children at home. I can handle this idea of crisis teaching, and my children are thriving. I know they are thriving because I am thriving.

This is nothing less than a miracle. Now this does not mean I do not have my downs.

With hormones coming back into my life I get the normal cycle which includes a depression cycle, but unlike before this one goes away.

Then the past few days my OCD has been off the charts. But even during that time I have been able to make small gains, make my bed, go to the store, rotate laundry, start the dishwasher. Things that before were impossible for me I can now do with a simple reminder.

I know this is not an easy time for many people, but for me it has been a blessing. I just hope and pray that everyone gets their blessing and miracle when they need it most too.

Revisiting old work

During this time I am doing so many things. I have been so blessed that my mental health has been getting better and better. I have been working with the kids, and frankly forgot I had a blog I needed to maintain! Sorry!

But I received a comment today about one of my poems and it inspired me to take a look at that poem again. "Out for a Walk". I want to have a chance to review that poem and see where it can go. My life has been transforming, and I would love to see my poems transform along with me.